Ever since Alex’s employer changed the insurance and our deductible which is now $3,000, it feels as if we, and these are Alex’s words, are being water boarded by our bills. Since we are trying to give a real effort to have a family of our own, the necessary prescriptions and tests are coming like gangbusters and the minimal amount we both receive (thankfully my job pays for our rent and a few other things) barely covers the regular bills let alone the additional medical bills and Alex has to work practically every day to do that.
It is quite quickly becoming an issue as this morning, he came in frustrated that he has to work Mondays (he normally has a set place to work at but on Mondays he is an extra so he floats) and basically demanded that he can’t do it. He added that he wouldn’t ask for any special food like lunch meat as long as he could have all Mondays off, that hit hard and I have spent the better half of 2 hours searching for other jobs for him but all are either 30 or 40 minutes away without guaranteed benefits, they require more or different work experience, or just aren’t worth transferring from one measly paycheck to another.
And my ability to find the positive in any of it has begun to dwindle today, causing me to question even having a family. I can’t guarantee that I will become a successful writer and earn the sum that would pay off school loans or the car or provide for each other let alone a child or 2. I want a family so much but right now I find it difficult to believe in anything I want (which I blame my husband’s gloom and doom attitude). Like him, I am tired of just getting by but I find it hard to find the energy sometimes to put forth the effort it requires to change that and the risks that it would require and maybe the things it would mean giving up.
So here I am, at work, crying because I don’t want to give up the idea of having a family but I don’t know how to move forward except for praying that the script and stories that I have to find the energy to write will give us everything we need and want and that he can find a job that doesn’t make him miserable and take care of us until then. On top of that, Paramore’s song “Ain’t it fun” just came on my Spotify.
Going to be a great day! (really need to create a sarcasm font)