I take my temperature every morning at the same time as much as possible while doing my best to not move, watch for every little change in my BBT chart to see if my body has started to ovulate and how can I forget the flat out telling me that I am not getting any younger, am I pregnant yet, those damn commercials with babies and OPK tests, and advice about it from my mother that is way to TMI.
I can handle all of these things but the one thing that just rips the heart from my chest is someone either having or announcing they are pregnant. Some of them have been married less than we’ve been or aren’t married at all or worse, aren’t even legal to vote. My neighbor is in her 2nd trimester and she is not married to her boyfriend, another resident is pregnant with her second and her first is still in diapers, a new resident has the most adorable 6 month old and the couple has been only married for a year and 1/2, a 14 year old distant cousin on my husband’s side is pregnant, one of his cousin’s had their second last month and another cousin just delivered a little boy on Tuesday.
I don’t wish them any harm or hate them (maybe the 14 year old a little bit) but I can’t find it in my heart to be even the least bit happy that new lives are starting. I haven’t even been able to get through this post without crying which has caused an awful migraine. It hurts so bad and I wonder, what did I do wrong, is it my fault (sort of is actually because of my body not working right), why didn’t I check it sooner, why don’t have a baby to love?
I want to be a mommy and I want my husband to be a daddy and our parents to be grandparents. My grandmother had a triple bypass this weekend and my second thought after the “oh shit” was “I really don’t want her to go without making her a great grandma again” (my 21 year old cousin has a 4 year old, she wasn’t even legal to vote yet when she got pregnant either). Maybe a bit selfish but I thought it. I would rather break both my ankles, have all my teeth ripped out, bit and strangled by snakes (which I am terrified of), be completely poor, disowned by my family than feel this pain right now. It’s the kind of pain that makes everything hurt, from my body to my mind to my heart.